NEIKED: That One Deaf Music Critic

I’ve got a song stuck in my head. It’s a good song, thankfully, but I’m starting to hate it. Not the song itself, just how stuck it is. It’s catchy (obviously), and it’s unendingly fun to sing along to – but therein lies the problem. The song is ‘Sexual’. Now, that’s not a problem. I’m not embarrassed to have that song stuck in my head because I think everyone should hear it anyway. What is a problem, is the pitch of the vocals. The vocals are high. Very high. Out of my vocal range high. Very out of my vocal range high. And I try to sing along anyway. It’s not a happy noise.

That is not, however, the extent of the issue. There is also the problem of the lyrics. Now in the context of the song, the lyrics are brilliant and do exactly what they have to do and make complete sense. What is not brilliant, and does not make sense, is when I try to sing them, unprompted, due to them being stuck in my head. The sight, and sound, of a twenty-two-year-old-man shaking his hips and attempting to belt, in a failing, cracking, completely out-of-tune voice, ‘I’m feeling sexual, so we should be sexual’ is not fun for anyone.

But, so what? I get some looks from strangers, and I lose some friends who grow to hate my constant sexual refrains – is that all? No. It gets worse. I’m visiting my family soon. When this issue of The Founder, and in turn this column, is published I will be in Chicago with my dog, my younger brother, my father, and my mother. And I know it’s going to happen. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to be talking to my mother and hear the beat in my head, bob my head, and intrude upon the conversation with the inescapable refrain of ‘I’m feeling sexual, so we should be sexual.’ My mother might not know how to react to that. So, consider this a plea. Please help. Tell me how to get the song out of my head, or better yet give me another song to get stuck in my head. Maybe something with a refrain along the lines of ‘I love you in a normal way for a son to love his mother, so we should play board-games as a family.’ I’m sure there’s a song out there somewhere like that.


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