Do It Alone: That One Deaf Music Critic

Inspired by Francesca’s review this issue, wherein she detailed how it felt to see Mabel live, by herself, I’ve decided to visit the topic of what going to a gig solo is like. Frankly, I almost always prefer to go by myself because there are too many variables at play. First off, if it’s a review pass it just seems cheeky asking for an extra one for my mate who won’t do any reviewing. Secondly, I can move at my own pace with the day – food before the gig, beer before the gig, whatever I want to do, I can do at my pace. Don’t you rush me through my burrito Patrice, I will finish when I want to! Thirdly, I don’t have to deal with the kind of people you take to gigs. Who, you may conveniently ask so as to make a neat segue into the next portion of this column, are these people?

The Friend Who You’ve Dragged Along

They’re not really a fan are they? You’ve told them they’ll like the band, throwing out names of random artists that you know they like, and suggesting that they all are quite similar to the jazz fusion sextet you want to take them to see. Then they spend the gig pouting and bored next to you and you end up feeling slightly guilty, all because you didn’t want to go alone and didn’t know anyone else who was a fan. Shame on you.

The One Who Only Knows ‘Budapest’

Look, there’s nothing wrong with going to a gig for an artist who you don’t know many songs by. You don’t have to be a massive fan to enjoy a gig. I’ve been to gigs where I haven’t known any songs by the headliner and had great fun. But please don’t spend the entire gig on your phone until George Ezra sings ‘Budapest’, and then whine about leaving after he’s done.

The One Who You Don’t Know That Well Who Smells Worse Than You Remember

Oh, your hygiene is surprisingly worse than I remember. No, no, please stop moshing your filthy, unwashed armpit into my face. No, thank you, I’m not going to hold your butt as you try and stand on the shoulders of the guy next to you. No, we don’t need to hang out after the gig at yours. It’s quite alright. Have a good night. Goodbye. Go away.

The One Who Misunderstood Which Band It Was

Oh, no, this is James Blake. No, I’m afraid that’s not James Bay. You thought I said James Bay? No, he won’t be singing ‘Hold Back the River.’ Because he’s not James Bay. No, I doubt he’s going to cover it, either. ‘You’re Beautiful’? Does he sing that one? No, no, that’s still the wrong person. Oh dear. You’re going to have fun tonight aren’t you?

The One Who Buys You Beer While You Keep the Spot

Actually, no, you guys are great. I love you. Want to come to my next gig with me?


This article was published in our October 2016 issue.


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