Uncle Fullfrontle: 25 September 2012

Dear Uncle Fullfrontle,

I’m about to come onto campus as a fairly fresh fresher and with me comes my wardrobe. I consider myself original and above all fashionable. Does Holloway welcome the baggy jersey, skinny jeans and necklace ensemble that I am so successful with in London? Please help me.

Theo, Cambridgeshire

In short, no. Theo, you’re a 7.4 on the hipster scale and that means a few things. Your keen lusting for anything anti-mainstream clouds your own perception of yourself. Our campus can be compared to ancient Sparta, where the weak and insufferable malcontents like yourself are cast asunder to make way for the elite human breeding ground that is our university. A few things we pride are sports, drinking, friends and legitimacy. And the later applies to all aspects of life. Consider yourself Theo: you are on the wrong side of the law when it comes to fashion with your retro necklace, your music and your general complacency for your meagre art and media related life aspirations. Royal Holloway is a place for statuesque men of willpower, sensuous celestial goddesses, and stratospheric ambition. We attend this university to perfect our existence and not to write a blog about your shite fashion sense. As they say- a few words speak a thousand pictures, and my impression of you and your pathetic question is thus: you are a minor blip on the life radar compared to me, a juggernaut of power, the master of a thousand wenches, and the resident Sheriff of Legitsville.  Watch and learn, blip.


Uncle Fullfrontle,

I’m in deep with boy problems. I was making love to a boy and halfway through  -let’s call him Jake- pulled out, said he was bored and turned over. I was shocked and upset so I slapped him and left but I still love him. What do I do?

Anon, Royal Holloway

My dearest Anon, this is nothing your Uncle can’t sort out. Sex is a long path we all tread, and we choose our own route through the promiscuous forests and jungles of this earth. I model my sex upon that of the male African lion’s. Let’s return, however, to your problem.

I think you need to glaze yourself in honey and walnut cream and approach this male you have branded ‘Jake’. The mixture of scents should arouse him on a primal level, and then you will be able to continue your love-making. Obviously, you must talk to him about what you both seek from this relationship, and I’m afraid you should inform Jake you may soon be incarcerated. The manner in which you struck him does constitute assault, and as I mentioned in my previous response, I am the Sheriff of this town, and my justice is godly.

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