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David Laws MAN GOD*

Conservatives for miles around dropped their pints and exclaimed ‘something terrible has happened’

There are some years which the human race simply must, for the sake of history, single out as being particularly great. 1965 is just such a year, for within its twelve short months there lay a staggering number of achievements. When I say that this was the year that Lyndon Johnson invaded Vietnam, or Ian Smith declared Rhodesian independence you begin to get the picture. But there was surely one standalone moment on November 30th of that annus fan-fucking-tasticus which should provoke civilised men to throw down their copies of The Spectator and cry out ‘THANK GOD FOR 1965!!!’

 The country: England (of course); the county: Surrey. In the small town/hamlet of Farnham, Joseph and Mary Laws were struggling to find a place to stay following a long and arduous journey. Unable to find any rooms at the Surrey inns, all of which had a ‘no Liberals (or blacks) allowed’ policy, they found solitude in a charitable yokel’s offer of a rent free night in his stable, now a Holiday Inn. Mary, heavily pregnant, and startled by the advances of a randy sheep dog, began to go into labour. Not long after, the holy legs parted, and a beam of light flooded the room, out of which emerged (or rather slid) the newborn David. Conservatives for miles around dropped their pints and exclaimed ‘something terrible has happened’. Overhead one of the brightest stars ever recorded marked the place of David’s birth, so that Three Wise Liberals and Paddy Ashdown could find the stable and give gifts of myrrh, frankincense and a note saying ‘sorry, there’s no gold left’.

 From thereon in David rose steadily through the ranks of humanity, excelling at school, and casually attending Cambridge from which he graduated with a double-first in Economics and Awesomeness. Despite being begged by the academic Establishment to take up the freshly-minted position of Master of Universe College, young David decided to enter the real world instead and plough his own magnificent furrow.

 Various heads of government offered to step aside and allow David to take their place, realising that the first rung of his ladder was the highest rung achievable for mere mortals, but David decided to start humbly in the ranks, for meritocracy is important to Liberals. He therefore took on the lowly post of Vice President of J. P. Morgan. Already earmarked for greatness, he dazzled his superiors and contemporaries alike, so much so that board meetings began to consist solely of David giving presentations to himself, his fellow executives realising that their presence was no longer required to ensure financial security. One impetuous shareholder (his red face, old school tie and tendency to drool betrayed his Tory leanings) attempted a coup, only to run screaming from the conference meeting, the victor bellowing after him ‘KNEEL BEFORE LAWS!!!’

 Such trivial appointments were but small fry however, and served only as a springboard into that fine and noble vocation which draws good men and lesbians from around the world: politics. Taking up the post of Economic Adviser to the Lib Dems, Laws the Magnificent, nee David, condensed his recommendations down to two words; ‘sack Ashdown’. From there on the Libs knew nothing but success, despite being led successively by a drunk, a corpse and a schoolboy. Laws the Stupendous, nee Magnificent, nee David, formulated policies by the bucket load, and published them in the Orange Book, a publication which Lib Dems across the land routinely swear on in court instead of the Bible, which will henceforth be known as pre-David literature.

 Shortly later, the Dark Lord Gordon fell at the hands of a Last Alliance of Men and Conservatives, and a glistening new era came into being; the Age of David. Not wishing to embarrass Sir Gideon Osborne Bt., which would have reneged on years of opposition to cruelty to small furry animals, Laws the Orgasmic, nee Stupendous, nee Magnificent, nee David opted for the position of Chief Secretary to the Treasury instead of Chancellor. Likewise he kept hidden from David Cameron the fact that all Cabinet and Civil Service salaries could be spared the taxpayer by making Laws the Omnipresent, nee Orgasmic, nee Stupendous, nee Magnificent, nee David the sole government official responsible for everything, but such a step would run counter to the interests of democracy, a cause close to His heart.

Since becoming Chief Secretary, Laws the We-Need-A-Knew-Word-To-Describe-How-Awesome-I-Am, nee Omnipresent, nee Orgasmic, nee Stupendous, nee Magnificent, nee David has solved the banking crises, cured cancer, raised all Third World countries to equal status with the West, achieved nuclear disarmament, saved the rainforests and played himself in the move Jesus Christ: Why We Don’t Need Him Anymore. The first man ever to receive a Nobel Prize in every category has already done enough but, having cured death, He has so much more to teach us. HAIL DAVID LAWS– MAN GOD!!!

 *shortly after this was written Mr Laws resigned from the government in a massive scandal which rocked the Establishment. The views expressed in this article reflect their time

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